Stuck

Should I be studying for my last final or working on my last essay now? Yes. Now that that's out in the open--

;-)

I'm not so eager to leave campus. I'm very ready to be done with exams and papers--I'm just two days away from that fantastic moment! But I've really enjoyed this year at school. So much better than my first year, when news of deaths and sickness of loved ones came far too often. This year has been tougher, academically, but I've also been more focused, more entrenched in a circle of friends, and I've been blessed to assist in leading a community group of girls at BCM. I started this year after an amazing summer, and despite the excitement on the horizon for this summer, I'm reluctant to pack up and head back to suburbia, away from this city, away from the old and new friends I've come to depend on so much.

I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Though, despite my trepidation about getting through airports on my own, I'm very much ready to see Dublin, Ireland. This trip has been in the works for two years. In fact, I'll be writing fairly regularly about my days in Ireland on this blog. Bookmark it!

I've never liked goodbyes, anyway. In fact, I try to avoid them if possible. Or I act like it's just another one of our "see-you-laters". But once I do say goodbye to you, that's it. I don't want to do it again. So I wait till that last possible moment, and if we do happen to cross paths a few minutes later, don't be offended if I don't do more than wave and smile.

Summer is long and unpredictable. School life is comfortable. So here is one of very few instances when I might agree with the French. Let's not say goodbye, but "Au Revoir!"

Summer

I'm so much less certain about this summer than I was when entering summer 2007. Last summer, the most intense I've had thus far--I knew I was in the right place, where God wanted me, and I made sacrifices to be there. I came out of that summer rebuilt, spiritually replete after months of physical and emotional exhaustion, but those were some of the best days I ever saw.

Some of the Best Days

I look a tad devilish in that praise band picture. We need some red-eye reduction!


Anyway, point being, my time at camp this summer was thrilling. I can never forget the friends I made, the way God broke me and pieced me back together, the way kids looked at me as if I held all the answers. I saw miracles this summer. I met friends I never want to lose. I was so close to God, that coming away from this place was a painful process.


This summer, what I am doing for God?? It was clear, so definitively stated last summer. Work hard all day long, play with kids, teach kids, love on kids and and introduce them to Christ. Be a role model, support the rest of the staff. It was so clear cut.


What am I doing for God this summer? I don't know. In May, I'm hoping a plane to study in Ireland, a dream I've had since childhood. When I return, I'll be home for a while, then I'll head back to school for a summer class. My youth minister asked me to lead the youth over the summer, but because of school, I coudn't committ. I know God has put me in school for a reason, but it's so much harder to see the heavenly benefit of studying abroad or taking classes in Charleston. Granted, I want to do both of these things, but I also don't want to be spiritually idle.


The only way I can justify it is like this: last summer was for others-- I invested in kids as a camp counselor, giving to them emotionally, physically, spritually, and despite the euphoria of seeing one of them smile at me or tear up as they said goodbye or best of all, come to Jesus for the first time... I came out of that summer spiritually drained. I gave so much and kept little for myself.


This summer, especially while overseas, I'm likely to spend a good amount of time on my own, as four weeks is probably not long enough to make lasting friendships. At home, I may end up spending some time with the youth group at my church, and when I head back to school, only a handful of my friends will be in town.


Perhaps God desires me to rest, be still, and take him in. Last summer I gave to others, this summer, I have the opportunity to spend time walking side-by-side with Christ, slowly, taking in all He has to give at a slower pace, with time to catch my breath.


But no one's ruling out the chance that I'll jump right back into the delightful chaos of camp next summer. :-)

The Creaking of a Rusty Gate

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate." - 1st Corinthians 13:1

In this verse (given here in the Message translation) lies one of my most intense fears.

Even as a child, I've longed to be a writer-- the shape has changed over years. I've gone from dreams of journalism, poetry, short stories, novels, essays, inspiration, even devotional books. I am still unsure how God will use me as his vessel in this way.

I can put words in a nice order. Hopefully, I can paint pictures, incite emotion, weave stories; I've strived my whole life to improve, to better "speak with human eloquence." I even hope that I can write in such way to bring godly joy to others, to incite "angelic ecstasy."

But, here, so plainly stated--if I don't love, my words, so carefully arranged, built like a house of cards or intricately weaved together like a floral wreath, will be nothing but dust in the wind, the "creaking of a rusty gate."

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest is love."

If I could use only one word for Christ other than God, it would be Love. I long to please Christ with my poetry, to carve his presence in stories or even this blog entries, but if I don't do this out of love for you, and greatest of all, love for Christ, I am nothing. He must become greater, I must become less. Let me not presume that anything I say will be worthwhile if it's not about the breath-taking beauty of God.

On the Spot!

I'm certain I'm going to say, "yes" with sweaty palms and naive enthusiasm, but I can't make such a decision without being admonished and strengthened by the Word.

My BCM pastor asked me if I would be a small group leader next year; I guess I look pretty good for the job, as I'm very consistent in my BCM attendence, I'm a currently a co-leader (basically, assitant), I was a counselor for youth and kids at a Christian camp, and I've led Bible studies before with varying degress of success.

All this logic doesn't change the fact that the idea of being a spiritual leader for young women both excites and terrifies me.

I checked James 3--a cautioning statement for spritual teachers, and I'm freaked out, first of all, because I'm a woefully imperfect woman, who often says the wrong thing, and James, who was the half-brother of Jesus Christ, for crying out loud, is writing about taming the tongue.

First of all, I have to digress here. My own uncle has used me in his sermons on this very passage. Used me as an example of what not to say. This is why I can never show up at his church! ;-)

The story he tells is about my grandfather's (his father) visitation. We're standing in line, getting ready to let people in, and I keep checking my phone, because I'm expecting a friend of mine to call for directions. My aunt is confused, and asks me, "Why do you need your phone, Hillary? Who're you gonna call?"

And without missing a beat (at my own grandfather's visitation, where his coffin was feet away from me) I answered, "Ghostbusters."

I know. Woefully inappropriate. I earned a few nervous chuckles from my family and many slack-jawed stares.

And my uncle uses me as the example on taming the tongue, what not to say! And I'm to presume to be a Bible study teacher??! I can't even keep my mouth shut at a funeral!

Here's the full context of the passage, James 3:1-12, (The Message) courtesy of BibleGateway.com.

1-2Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends. Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards. And none of us is perfectly qualified. We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths. If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you'd have a perfect person, in perfect control of life.
3-5A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything—or destroy it!
5-6It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.
7-10This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!
10-12My friends, this can't go on. A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

This frightens me. Teachers are held to a higher standard. And yet, I know, I know I'm going to tell my BCM pastor yes, because even though I'm terrified, the idea of investing in the young women around me is exciting. And even though, I "get it wrong nearly every time I open my mouth", I am comforted by this statement:

2 Corinthians 12:9: But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

So, yes. I'll do it. :-)

Disciple Now

Man, is it different to be on the other side. For seven years, I was a student at my church's DNow. Taking in the antics of the Bible study leaders with wide eyes, hanging onto their every word. I can still remember several life-changing moments that I had at various Disciple Now weekends, close friends I made, service projects I took on with my friends and leaders.

But I think that this year, even though I wasn't the "official" student--I may have learned more this year than any other year. Our service project this year wasn't to do yardwork, volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen, though these are noble and needed pursuits. Instead, with the help of a man in our congregation who works daily with the urban homeless, we put together a worship service under a bridge in downtown. In addition to the worship servic (music, speaking, prayer), we gave out food, clothing, and comfort items, all under a huge city bridge.

Though our leader had publicized the event in shelters and was expecting a large turnout of homeless people, only about 20 people came, as it was pouring down rain. We had enough food and clothing and comfort items to serve 10 times that amount. But no one was disappointed. We accomplished our two primary objectives: serve the homeless and get our kids out of their comfort zone. Not only did I get to hand a man a Bible and see his completely rapturous smile to hold it in his hands, but I got to see these kids eager to serve and talk to these homeless individuals like they would an old friend.

I was so glad that our videographer didn't catch me during the worship service under the bridge: I was full out sobbing. I remembered every time I'd passed by a homeless person on the street, wary and clutching my purse. I remembered the hot shower I'd had in the morning, the hot coffee, the filling breakfast. I remembered the warm bed I had slept in the night before, and I was overcome. I've been so blessed, yet I've looked on those less fortunate with judgement. The same ones I might have shied away from in another situation, were clapping and singing alongside me, chatting with me, eagerly thanking me when I offered them a razor or soap or a pair of socks.

A myriad of emotions overcame me in those hours. Guilt, for my hypocrisy, judgemental attitude, or even guilt for having a roof and food and warmth. Compassion. Pain. But despite the unfairness of their lives, I never heard a man or woman or child complain under that bridge. I saw people embracing complete strangers, praying for them, laughing with them, singing with them. And when the pastor said the Lord's prayer, I felt joy that only the consistent presence of God can give: every voice present joined in.

I don't understand why the world is the way it is. I just don't want to be the one making it that way.

"I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work." God's Decree.
"For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think." Isaiah 55:8

Not Whining. Too easy.

"Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:4

______________________

Things I desire:

The order varies day by day, but I'd say "the desires of my heart" include: getting married, having a family, becoming a meaningful teacher, and publishing a novel, and getting closer to Christ.

It's so reassuring just to hold on to that promise: God will give me the desires of my heart. But as of late, it seems I've done too much desiring and not enough delighting. And there is so much to delight in:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Phillipians 1:21

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." --Jesus, from John 15:15

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" Psalm 8:3-4

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to propser you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

and my life verse: "God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!" Ephesians 3:20

____

So, I'm single, and school's hard. Big whoop. This is the stuff of delight!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-29.