Can I recommend The Sacred Romance in every post? This book is working wonders on my life.
In this past chapter, the writers explain that difficult experiences in our childhood sometimes cause us to make vows. Sometimes this still occurs when trials come even in adolescence or adulthood--something happens that hurts us, and we make a vow that does much more harm than good.
In the process of reading TSR and preparing for BCM small group, I realized that I had made one of these impulsive vows after being hurt. And though my experience was not traumatic in the traditional sense (death, sickness, injury, break-up), it still rocked my world and incited a vow that I renounced Monday night.
Long story short (this story is familiar to many of my friends and family)-- I applied to an Arts high school to study writing. I was sure I would get in, I planned my entire life around it, and invested my heart in this dream for most of a year. I based all my plans for the future (and I am a notorious planner) on graduating from this school. I felt my one talent in the world was being able to put words together in a nice order, and I was fine with that. It defined me, and this dream was my life.
As you could guess, I didn't get in. And when I found out, I basically lost it. I think that is the only time in my life where I could say that I "wept." I was inconsolable. Not just because I didn't get into a school, but because my entire plan for the future, my confidence, my dream, and even as far as my identity as a writer, were shattered.
On top of this, so many people close to me saw me in this state of hysterical crying that I was completely humiliated afterwards. Irrational, certainly, but true. I felt like I had completely over-reacted; despite how much I hurt, I was embarrassed.
Only in retrospect--four years later--can I make sense of it. I made a vow, at 16, never to want something with all my heart ever again. I also vowed never to let people see me cry. I trained myself to always contain my emotions, and I trained myself to keep my ambitions and desires to moderation.
Due to that experience, I find it very hard to be vulnerable with people; even those closest to me. But I'm not a bottler--I just wait until I'm alone. And I'll talk intimately with people--it just takes time for me to trust. And I don't cry. Something has to very wrong for me to cry openly. Keep that in mind. ;-)
However, the consequences of that vow aren't necessarily all bad-- I'm a calm person, and I'm always laid-back. That's not forced or fake--it's who I've become. :-) I did learn that things aren't as big as they seem to be, and that is a wonderful lesson that I've taken from that experience.
And it's not necessarily bad that I decided never to want something that much ever again. I put my dream to go to that school above my desire for God. The rejection gave me perspective that has served me well in the past four years. I am grateful to have realized at that age that I shouldn't desire anything as much as I desire to know Jesus and to follow Him. I don't think I ever asked God if it was His will back in the day. I wanted it so much, that I figured He'd give it to me.
Even if some of the better parts of my personality grew out of this experience, I prayed that Christ would help me let go of that vow. This doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to turn on the waterworks-- I am working on letting my heart desire freely and working on being vulnerable to people sooner, especially as a small group leader. I can't expect my friends to open up to me when I am holding back. :-) I've definitely made some killer progress. ;-)
God is so good. In moments when joy threatens to burst and my face is sore from smiling, God is good, and in moments with despair crushes and brings me to my knees and my face hits the floor, God is still good. He loves.
Maybe that is another reason we are soulmates. While we are similar in many respects we are are polar opposites on the emotional scale :) You can contain your emotions, whereas, I seem to find myself crying on a daily basis. Whether it is because of sorrow or my heart is full of love for another, my first reaction is to cry...as I am doing so now :)
ReplyDeletePersonally, I am very grateful you did not get into that school. If you had, chances of us meeting would have diminished considerably.
God has a plan for each one of us and though we want to believe we know what is best for us, we don't. And oftentimes it is not revealed to us until further down the road as to why we had to go through a trial or why we were denied something our heart wanted so much. Had I received that which I thought was best for me (a husband three years ago) then my life would have taken a sad turn for the worse. I didn't see it then, but I certainly see it now.
It's OK to make vows and not want to re-visit mistakes, but it is also OK to not put restrictions or ultimatums on youself. You don't want to limit your potential by putting in place rules that could do just that.
I love you and am so blessed to have you as a friend and an example to me.
We are a lovely balance between exactly the same and completely different. ;-)
ReplyDeleteNow that I look back on it, I'm also incredibly grateful that I didn't get in. If I had, I would mostly likely be at a different college, studying creative writing instead of English and Education. I never would have met the teacher that put me back together afterwards, I never would have met so many of my friends, and I probably wouldn't have been at ACD this summer.
I can see in perfect hindsight that what happened was best for me. :-) Besides, never going to Leo Burdocks with you and Kasey and Amy and Lauren! What kind of life would that have been?! ;-)
PS: just imagine how confused people reading this exchange must be. ;-)
I know, with the whole "Hillary said" and "Hillary said..." But that's OK - we understand and that's all that matters.
ReplyDeleteI think about Ireland everyday. I feel incredibly blessed to have walked away from that experience like I did. Never in a million years did I think I would make friends or memories like that.
Things I think about daily:
1. The day at Causey Farm" Baking bread, the dancing, the drum playing, our hearty lunch, chasing the cow...
2. The day in Galway: Ballyreel Bay, Gus O'Connors Pub, Cove Fort, the sheep on the side of the road, the Cliffs of Moher and the giggly train ride back.
3. The Merry Ploughboy: Having those dancers close enough to kick us in the head. Kasey stealing sugar packets. And just the fact there was brown sugar on the table - awesome.
4. Battle of the Boyne: Seriously, could Pennyfeather overscheduled us any more time there than he did?
5. Kilkenny: It was rainy that day, but it was a magical day. What a beautiful little town.
6. Going to the corner store...daily. I can just hear it now "OK girls, goodbye! See you tomorrow!"
7. IM'ing from conversation bed to your bed.
8. The Haunted bus tour: Didn't the Kevin Spacey/Jaime from Mythbusters tour guide touch your head?
9. Our painful trip to the movies: Who would have thought Indy would have sucked so much?
10. The Blarney Stone: The photoshop job that will never be spoken of again :)
And many many more things. I know, I should move on and start making new memories but it's so hard when those ones were so good :)