Confessions

Sometimes I sit down at my computer and stare at this empty text box, so full of words but with so little to say. I want to take the pieces of poetry or narrative or reflection and place them together to form a stunning picture,

to take your breath away
make you laugh,
or cry,
or imagine.
Or pray.

But like a jigsaw puzzle, that picture can never be rid of the lines that mark its division. Always imperfect, never whole, even after the last patterns are matched and the final hole is filled.

I want to write about my life as a young woman who is confident and mature and aware. But the truth is that sometimes, my doubt stifles me. Even an optimist can have nails worn down to the quick, or nights when sleep can never quite catch up with concern. The truth is that sometimes, I am immature in the worst of ways. I can pout, I can whine, I can think only of myself. The truth is that sometimes I am horrifically unobservant, insensitive to the pain of others; sometimes God escapes my notice.

In Galations, Paul writes this message: "Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that." Galations 2:20, The Message.

What a relief! I feel like Paul took those words right out my head; and seeing it in the Message translation rather than the NIV I've read most of my life really made the words click with me. I don't have to worry about trying so hard to impress God or the church; the truth of my life is simple: faith in the Son of God. My daily struggle isn't about me, but about Him, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I wrote the beginning of this entry last week, but couldn't finish it. I had so much I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to put it into words. And when I write, I always push myself to be eloquent, like what I have to say isn't worthwhile if I say it simply. But like Paul, I don't have to be driven to impress God with fancy words (which He gave me the ability to put together!) . And believe me, it is such a relief.