Independence

I've fought for it my whole life. As a child, I feigned it. Learned to read quickly so I could do it alone. Rode my bike around the block, angry at my parents and pretending I didn't need them. I rode back once I was bored.

As I grew older, I immersed myself into studies and hobbies and friends, but not fully in the latter. I allowed myself many acquaintances, with whom I could laugh and joke and smile, and then a handful of good friends with whom I could also cry, curse, and question. I bickered with but truly loved my parents and my family. I always loved my brother, but sometime in high school, he snuck under my skin and I discovered I liked the kid a lot, too. Not much I wouldn't do for him.

But still, I sought after the independence. I jumped at the chance to go to a residential high school for my junior and senior year. When spurned, I told myself it was the blow to my ego, the fact that my best friend was going and I wasn't, the sudden lack of confidence I had in my talent that had me reeling. But really, it was the fact that I was still stuck under my parents' roof, still dependant on them.

I went away for college, a hundred miles away. I earned enough scholarships for a full-ride and more. To show my independence. Jumped at the chance to have my car at school so I could have some more independence. Planned and paid for a trip to the land of my ancestors' overseas on my own. Going on my own.

I live in such a way to demonstrate my independence. Especially as a woman, I feel the need to prove it, make it tangible for everyone else. Show that I am capable of doing things on my own.
During my twenty-something years, I've had opportunities to get involved with guys. I never did. I've gone on casual outings that I swore weren't dates, gone to dances with a date and as a date, but never with a man that I loved. In fact, I think I can safely say that I have never been in love. A few have come close, but no cigar. I've always held that I haven't met the right man, and I still believe that, but with age comes understanding, even if its indirect.

Though I long with every other single gal to be loved and cherished, I can now see that the true, violent, ineffable love that I've always yearned for would take away all the independence I've created for myself. To love is to need. To be in love is to require another person's smile to have one yourself, to hear their breathing so you can manage your own. And I've been terrifed of that. Terrifed of needing another human so much that I can't do without them.

And it can't just end there. To love is to be loved, in the ideal, and to be loved is to be needed. It terrifies me to imagine another person needing me like they need their heart to beat. I'm scared to fail him, scared to hurt him, scared to need him in return.

I'm not afraid of love. I love many people in my life. But I'm not going to give love freely, nor take it freely.

I can understand this love because though I have never been in love with a man on this Earth, I have been loved and have loved a Man above this Earth. If there was a person or entity that I can't imagine living without, it is God through the man Jesus Christ, by whom I am dearly loved. I fail so often in this relationship that I know I will fail harder and more often in a romantic one, and that frightens me. And a romantic relationship will be with another flawed human.

Knowing a bit more about love makes me more guarded of my feelings, more careful in keeping my emotional distance from many. But I'm not emotionless. Once I love, I love fully. That may be what scares me the most.