No, There Wasn't Time

I'm decompressing a bit.

Last Friday, my truck's engine threw a rod, and I nearly lost control of the car. There was a moment, just a string of seconds basically, where when I looked into the rear view mirror, saw cars swerving to avoid me, saw smoke billowing from under the hood, pressed the gas pedal and tried to steer to no avail, gripping the wheel and seeing no exit ahead of me, that I thought--this is it. There was no time to think about it, no time for my life to flash before my eyes, no time for regrets or wishes, no rational string of words in my thought process, like "someone could hit me or the truck could catch fire"--none of that. There was just a guttural reaction--this could be it.

Seconds later, I saw an exit, pulled over, turned the car off, and jumped out. The smoke stopped. I felt the ground under my feet, and breathed. Then, I was swept up into the business of solving the problem--calling my parents, call a tow truck, trying to get to TGT (a girl's retreat I was supposed to work) on time.

I can't say I was afraid for my life, afraid to die. I didn't feel fear--there wasn't time. I was utterly involved in trying to steer, trying to get out of the way. I didn't feel any regrets, even though there are plenty of things left unsaid, even though I've never been in love, even though I've made mistakes and never apologized. I didn't wish for life, for more time with friends or family, because there was only the road, the cars, the gas pedal.

It wasn't until after we drove away, after I said goodbye to trusted friends at CLR, after I got back to school and swept up into the business of dealing with life--what car do I drive, where do I park, what was my homework, that those few seconds on the road caught up with me, that I had time to think.

I can't say I've radically changed how I live, or had life-altering conversations with people, or been transformed by the event. My life was never really in danger; I'm not hurt. But for the past few days, I have lived, even in my busy hectic life that keeps going whether I keep up with it or noI have lived-- and thought about it.