Under the Stars

I remember one night, years ago, when my best friend Amy invited me over to her house to watch a meteor shower. We were kids, then--maybe early middle school or younger. We got blankets--not because it was cold, though. We stretched the blankets out on the driveway and reclined on our backs, hands behind our heads to watch the sky.

I remember it wasn't too cold to be lying on a driveway, but the breeze was cool enough that my friend and I huddled tight. Falling stars, one after the other, spilled over the sky. Crickets chirped, and wishes were made. Each star we saw shoot across the sky got its own wish, and we talked about our wishes. Sometimes in vague terms, since wishes are supposed to be secret, but other times, we figured that we were like sisters and close enough not to worry about that superstition.

I remember feeling small, but not suffocated or lost--no, small and amazed with the wonder of the vast creation surrounding me, my best friend, and her driveway.

Even if I don't recall how many falling stars I counted, or how old I was, or which wishes I made, or what Amy and I talked about, the emotional impressions of this memory is one of the strongest of my childhood, and it was one of my favorite moments.

Why? What was it about lying on my friend's driveway watching a meteor shower that affected me so deeply?

In The Sacred Romance, a book I'm using in a Bible study, the authors asked us to recall a favorite memory, like the one I outlined above, and really think about why we value it so much.

For me, I know that many of my favorite memories involve Amy--we are sisters in every sense of the word except blood, and she's one of the most important people in my life. In that moment, staring up at falling stars next to her on the ground, I felt connected to her. This memory is one of intimacy, which I tend to value. These moments--with anyone--are rare. We all have somewhere to be, our own troubles, but on scare moments--we connect.

Also, this was a moment where I saw beauty--falling stars on a cloudless night. Singing crickets, moonlight, cool wind. I saw beauty, and I caught a glimpse of the immensity of creation. I felt, even at such a young age, that God was speaking to me through the beauty of nature.

I hadn't planned to tell that story in Bible study, nor had I planned to offer the analogy that escaped my lips--and those are the best moments as a Bible study leader--moments when you know that your words are not your own.

God uses moments like this, watching the stars on the driveway with your best friend, to call to us. To pull on our hearts to an unknown romancing, to quote the book.

Jesus is the God of falling stars, but He also wants to be next to us on the driveway, listening to our wishes.

prayer psalm

Psalm 69

For the director of music. To the tune of "Lilies." Of David.

1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.

2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.

3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.

5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.

7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.

8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;

9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;

11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.

12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.

13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.

14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.

15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.

19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.

20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.

21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and ^[a] a trap.

23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.

24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.

25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.

26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.

27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.

28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.

29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,

35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.

seven years

I.

seven years, and I'm still 13
suffocating and bearing the guilt
of paralyzing grief, stolen from real victims

on the planes, on their phones,
praying and crying and fighting

in their offices, working and running
and jumping

in their uniforms, serving and
pulling and digging

and dying

What trauma can I claim
on the opposite end of the coast
with my family around me
with a TV screen and many miles
separating me
from the fire and the smoke

my tears are insult to theirs.
my trembling lip, just a muscle spasm
for I and mine live.

II.

seven years, I'm 13 again.
mourning for strangers and strangers' lovers
throat closing at half-raised flags
and the sound of prayer. feeling

smaller hands clutching the foot
of the cross again, children
tears falling on trembling arms
again, crushed on all sides
by realism and other church
members, clinging, singing,

eyes still stinging with
the grief that shames.

III.

7 years ago, I used to be 13,
aged and ideals deflowered,
eyes following the plane, the two crumbling walls,
hypnotized by flame,
flooding, shutting.

before my cousin was a fireman
they pulled him out of the rubble.
before my brother was a soldier,
he watched and no one gave him orders.
before I was ever on a plane,
I saw the ground coming at my face.

hands reach across the aisle in Washington,
hymns echo.

IV.

seven years, but I'll be thirteen somedays,
at least once a year.

grief real, not caught or imagined,
not wrong but rightly, mourning--
the assaulted skyline morning, mourning--
lost and lonely lives, mourning--
declaration of war, mourning--
ideals buried at Ground Zero, mourning--
fake patriotism and decorative flags, mourning--
fear, conspiracy, blame-throwing, mourning--
accusing God, lost faith, mourning
the way it used to be
before I was thirteen.

A New Favorite Song

We sang this in church yesterday, and each word shook me to the core. I feel like the lyrics echo every aspect of my life.

All I Have Is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Morning

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul. (Psalm 143:8)

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I'm reading The Sacred Romance and preparing to teach it in the coming weeks. It's a right-brained sort of book--somewhat abstract, tuned into emotions. The writers want us to get back in touch with our own hearts so that we can in turn draw closer to the heart of God.

The writers, John Eldredge and Brent Curtis, suggest that our hearts are most accessible in the early morning or late at night. Not to say our innermost feelings are not reachable during the day, but there are times when we wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts, or times in the morning when we are particularly thoughtful.

David, in the above verse, seems to agree. He asks, "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love."

I've always resisted spending time in the Word in the early morning. I forget so often when I try to do it in the morning--the to-do list of the day is already writing itself in my mind. At night, I'm usually still trying to finish said list.

But as I sit in the dark in my room here at school, hymns and praise in my headphones, and a keyboard under my fingertips, I can't think of a better way to start the day.

I want David's prayer to be mine. "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."

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Be near, O God, be near, O God of us,
your nearness is to us our good... (Shane and Shane)

Good morning.